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来源：学而思西安中考网整理 作者：学而思张杰老师 2011-12-19 11:29:32
第四篇：
There is some love around me. Among all the people, I think my parents love me best. I study so hard that I don't go to bed until mid-night. However, my parents will always turn off their light after I do. While I am writing this passage, my parents are standing at the school gate. I decide to buy some flowers for them to show my love this afternoon.
【实际得分：6+6+1=13】
张老师点评：从语言上看，这篇文章属于“不求有功，但求无过”的类型，第三句话对于so…that…句型和until一词的结合甚至还显示出相当的功底，这也解释了为什么它会获得1分的文采分。但是本文我想要给大家分享的是内容分。这篇文章被扣掉了1分的内容分，同学们能找出来它被扣在了哪里吗？也就是说这篇文章少了什么要点吗？给大家5分钟的时间试一试。
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---5min后--
找出来了吗？其实，这篇文章缺少的要点还是挺明显的：How do you feel when you get love from him/ her/ them?这个要点可能只是一个形容词，复杂一点也就一个句子而已。但就是少了这一小部分，就被扣掉了1分内容分。要点是最容易得分也最容易扣分的部分，一旦扣分，就会让学生痛不欲生。迄今为止我已经点评了3篇关于要点的文章，就是希望同学们一定要保持警醒啊！正所谓：“题目字字是珠玑，逐条对应莫大意。”
第五篇：
I've been surrounded by love from my family since I was born. For example, my grandma often stays in the kitchen all day long, cooking foods which are healthy and delicious for me. My father isn't good at expressing his emotions, but my mom said that he always kissed me good-night without letting me know at night. I didn't know that at all because I was sleeping! I feel happy when I get sweet love from my family. My family members are the only people who are willing to sacrifice for you for nothing in this world! Of course I love them too, and I'm going to show my love by caring for them as much as I can. I'll wash bowls after meals, chat with them and make them laugh. Studying hard and make them pleased with me is also a good way to show my love. I will cherish the love around me forever!
【实际得分:满分】
张老师点评: 这篇文章亮点太多,只能在原文上批注.请看下图:
同时,必须要说明的是:这并不是一篇完美的文章。
一方面，文章中是有2处错误的，我已经在图片上注明，所以并不是一定要完美的文章才能得满分，只要有足够的亮点即可；
另一方面，文章太长（156w），超过答题卷的范围太多，可以想象它超出的部分肯定是非常拥挤且字很小的，如果不是这篇文章实在太精彩，想拿高分恐怕也很难。
正所谓：万绿丛中几点红，哪怕叶上毛毛虫……
又有家长呼吁上点学生习作，于是来一篇之前我的学生LYQ写的作文。
Nowadays, the lunch in school is not as popular as it used to. Some students don’t like it so they go out of the school in order to eat the food they prefer. However, not all delicious food is good for their health.
I would like to present my ideas as follows. There is no denying that students ought to follow the school rules to have lunch at school, which can not only keep themselves healthier but also make it easier for the teachers to manage the students. But on the other hand, it is the responsibility of the schools to improve the qualities of their dishes. Only in this way can they attract more students to have lunch at school.
【实际得分：17分】
张老师点评：
这是我以前一个学生的习作，当时的题目如下：
现在，有很多同学选择在学校外面吃午饭。这样做是否正确？你的建议是什么？请写一篇不少于60字的文章。
老实讲，其实这篇文章是可以得满分的，但是由于是习作，我强行扣掉了1分。这篇文章从文采来讲，当然是很好的，但是其实其中很多句型，在很多文章中都可以通用，只要提前熟悉，要写出来其实并不困难。例如文章中出现的”I would like to present my ideas as follows.” “There is no denying that…” “only in this way + 倒装句”等等，都是我们平时操练过的。所以很多事情你看起来很困难，但是对于有准备的人来说也是比较轻松的。正如贾岛诗言：“二句三年得，一吟双泪流。”
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